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is to not tell them off, at least not now when you're in physical pain and the shock of hearing from them is raw.

Fortunately, I've never had horrific disputes with, or been horribly mistreated by family. But I do have an awful neighbor who has cyberbullied me, defamed me, blasted music a foot from the property line for days on end, and placed toxic chemicals along our property line because I feed several feral, neutered, senior cats who cross her property in order to get to mine. At times, the dispute has filled me with anger and anxiety. But when I learned that not only was she the caretaker of her elderly parents, but that she was also taking care of her sister who was ill with cancer, I brought her bouquet. When she opened the door, I handed her the flowers and said, "Regardless of our dispute about the cats, I realize you've got a lot on your plate, so I wanted you to have these."

I don't know what it meant to her, but giving her flowers brought me a great sense of peace. Not that we've resolved our differences or that we'll ever be friends, but I learned that being kind will always feel better to me than lashing out.

Also, there is a middle ground between lashing out and just pretending all is fine. If the two of you ever wanted to have a real relationship, you'd probably have to talk over the past. Maybe neither of you wants that. Maybe she just wants to send you some evidence that she cares about you, without it going further. But it's a rare moment of grace on her part, which I'd hate to see met with anger, no matter how well earned.