We haven't spoken to my husband's brother in years. He turned his back on us for
some unknown reason and we went along with it. We don't need negativity at this point.

I'm sorry to read about your Brother-In-Law. I am.

I think that when you can no longer provide people...something...something they need...whether it be a laugh, comfort, money, an ear to listen...whatever...

They tend to throw you away.

I'll go to my grave trying to understand it.

...so we're not traveling 2000 miles to make up.

so I guess I'm going.

Lean on us, your friends.

We will hold you and keep you as safe as we can.

I'm an old man...and I just want a hug from my mom. That's all I want.

I guess there's things you never get over.

As you probably know I recently lost my older brother. There were years where we were distant mostly, I’m sorry to say, because I was avoiding more instant dramas I had to take care of, from sudden moves to taking him in a couple of times.

I dreaded the call BUT I knew I’d have to go. I had to. He’s my brother. Hell, I basically helped him move into a tent city in the woods. My wife and I and my Mom agreed we just can’t take him in anymore.

I had to. The man in the mirror don’t lie.

I've been thinking about you.

And your relationship with your brother.

My sibling is dying of cancer.

I'm going to have to go too.

I have to live with myself.

I'm going to have to go see them before they die.

I figured it might be bad news.

... my biggest worry is what she is throwing at her daughter because of your help.

The best we do with people sometimes is when we avoid irretrievable relationships. It's a good thing your niece has you to depend on.

because of a big life change for her.

Then I open my emails this morning and see this letter coming...

I can't...

... read all nonspam emails. It hasn't helped up to now, why would it be helpful now? If it were rapprochement news from her, email isn't the way to convey it, right?

It's an old picture of me with one of my departed dogs.

Along with a prayer card and some encouraging words because they got word I am suffering with shingles.

I don't know yet if I will respond.

Edit to add...it's a snail mail letter.

Maybe a bit clumsy, but it does sound like an attempt. (Of course, I don't know your sibling and maybe it's something coded that I wouldn't understand).

I'm trying to figure out if I have it in me to forgive.

I don't know how to forgive someone who deserted you, or their parent, in their time of need.

There's a song lyric "Forgiveness is nifty, but enough's enough".

and advise whether or not it is worth your attention

You can always choose not to open the letter...

If you are a person of faith, place the unopened letter into your book of sacred text. Turn it over to the workings of your Higher Power

And just give you any pertinent info from it?


Then the guilt or shame or whatever will be blunted.
Sorry for the hurt, I understand it perfectly.

I sent her a birthday card last month. Her birthday is 3 days after mine. She's 71 now. She's had a stroke and moved from FL to CO in 2024 so I got her new address from her daughter who unfriended me afterwards.

Her only son called me out of the blue about 2 years ago and we spoke and shared love. He's in his 40s. She found out he talked to me and nearly disowned him for it. I haven't heard from him since. He contacted me and said she was furious that we spoke.

She's my only (half) sister and my hubby has been so kind. He said, she's a grown woman. If she hates you, let it go.

I sent an olive branch to connect several times including the birthday card. She hasn't responded.

Let it go
I’ve walked in those shoes - embrace the new family you choose

Apparently they included pictures of his latest wedding to his latest child bride with statements of their mutual devotion to Jesus or whatever.

I wouldn't know. My wife read some of them. I didn't. She let me know they were weird but not worth reading.

You can do what you want but:

My advice is not to read the letter. It can do nothing for you other than make you upset.

The letters from my brother stopped coming. I don't know if it's because he's dead or because he gave up. It may sound cold, but I don't know which it is, and in the end I don't care. My reserve of forgiveness is empty. I'm not the man my father was. His reserve never emptied but mine did.

In January of 2024 I told her she needed to do more with her life than smoke pot and sit home with her cat all day. She’ has a great personality and her a hole husband who died in 2017 left her financially comfortable. I thought she’d be more active and not just shop for clothes when she doesn’t go out socially much. She has friends on Facebook who message me saying they’d love to be social with her. She hated our Mother who was outgoing and social. I am similar but I still like to work and am outgoing. Our mother left us both a house one was our family home and the other our grandfathers home he left to our parents. She left me this awful voicemail saying I stole her inherited home which I collect the rents, deal with tenant and pay insurance and property taxes. The house is in her name but she has never taken the initiative to deal with it. I called her recently and it goes to voicemail. She had a medical emergency in 2019 that caused her to lose her drivers license and my mother’s old caregivers drive her to stores and doctors appointment. I contacted the caregiver and was told she was ok but wanted no contact with me.

I feel your pain!

Things go sideways when it comes to inheritances.

My mom died broke, but I had a few thousand of hers saved up in my name.

I was accused of stealing that money, when in actuality, her final expenses caused me to spend it down to zero, and then contribute about $5K of my own money to settle everything out. They refused to help me financially, even though they are well off.

as you need.. Unless your idiot sibling is offering genuine contrition, apologies, etc., why would you put yourself out for them? You have more than enough on your plate right now without any added stress. Yes, I am one ice-hearted bitch when it comes to people like your sibling. And my nasty, cynical, suspicious nature inclines me to think she wants something from you. Please just take care of yourself, and be very cautious.

not on top of my game...if I am not funny, or giving, or if I need something...it's fuck you. Two siblings did this to me when my mom died, and it kind of made me paranoid about losing people.

The one sibling who did not do this to me, my brother, died a few years ago.

It shaped me for the worse.

I think people who dump you when you are needy are reflecting their own short comings back onto you.

It's ridiculous.

Last edited Sat Nov 1, 2025, 01:03 PM - Edit history (1)

remember that you are loved here for exactly who you are. I wish I could give you some of my ice, because it is hard to see you so unsettled and hurting.

I guess I need a therapist.

When I try to talk to people in real life about this, they look at me like I have three heads, so I tend to shut down.

and none of us care about your three heads. Your hatter must love you! Seriously, though, you do whatever you need to do to get and stay as healthy as you can.

Before you read the letter, if you decide to, remember your sister has shown you who she is. Even if she says she is sorry (could happen) you have to put it into the context of strategy. She likely wants something from you or to unload something on you.
We get who we get with family. Often we invest so many of our own hopes and dreams because we believe family is forever--bound by shared experiences, love, and belonging. It hurts when those ties are shattered, and sometimes because of dark traits or mental illness.
It isn't your fault.
If you do let her back in your life set boundaries to protect yourself going forward.
My own mother was like your sister. She dropped me for 20 years when I married and had children and spread all kinds of nonsense around so she didn't look bad. I always deserved her bad treatment. She loved adventure and excitement and no responsibility. She squandered our family inheritance from her parents that was meant to be generational. She did it because she could and she would get reckless ideas. She wanted to be at the top of everything. She was very narcissistic and bi-polar.
My sister called me to visit Mom because she had dementia and wouldn't remember me. I went and saw her several times. I was able to forgive her and let it go.
I now have a grown daughter very much like her. I love her, but she is reckless and I suspect also bi-polar. She gets angry if I bring up seeing a doctor or therapist for any reason. I include her in family things, but all of us set boundaries so she doesn't cause harm or hurt.

Maybe not, I don't know.

I had a fist raised to me during all of this fallout. They can't control their emotions.

Good ideas about setting boundaries.

I've found that you get trash canned when you are at your weakest.

Family, right?

Hang in there, pandr32.

Here's a hug.

is to not tell them off, at least not now when you're in physical pain and the shock of hearing from them is raw.

Fortunately, I've never had horrific disputes with, or been horribly mistreated by family. But I do have an awful neighbor who has cyberbullied me, defamed me, blasted music a foot from the property line for days on end, and placed toxic chemicals along our property line because I feed several feral, neutered, senior cats who cross her property in order to get to mine. At times, the dispute has filled me with anger and anxiety. But when I learned that not only was she the caretaker of her elderly parents, but that she was also taking care of her sister who was ill with cancer, I brought her bouquet. When she opened the door, I handed her the flowers and said, "Regardless of our dispute about the cats, I realize you've got a lot on your plate, so I wanted you to have these."

I don't know what it meant to her, but giving her flowers brought me a great sense of peace. Not that we've resolved our differences or that we'll ever be friends, but I learned that being kind will always feel better to me than lashing out.

Also, there is a middle ground between lashing out and just pretending all is fine. If the two of you ever wanted to have a real relationship, you'd probably have to talk over the past. Maybe neither of you wants that. Maybe she just wants to send you some evidence that she cares about you, without it going further. But it's a rare moment of grace on her part, which I'd hate to see met with anger, no matter how well earned.

I am going through much the same thing. Please know your DU family cares and we are here for you. Stay strong, reach out. You are not alone, friend.

I hope things work out as they should.

You're a good person and you handled it much better than I would have.

Here's to better days ahead for you!

I'm in no shape to go up there, so I'm trying to figure out if I can make the drive or not.

I knew things were bubbling up. Niece has been texting the hell out of me.

Your post really resonates with me, and the DU community.

I've had to step back from family and other relationships, at least temporarily, because, as you say, I just don't know why people do what they do.

I have letters I haven't read because I don't want to.

I have drifted apart from multiple family members. The chasm opened up by mutual consent. On my side I couldn't pretend that their support or even tolerance of Trump was ok. Conversations on the topic always ended up adversarial and unproductive. I think I'm right but also feel guilty. I still love them, I suppose, I just can't tolerate them for any period of time.

Regarding certain relatives, I always say the same thing.

"I love my relative. But, I don't like them."

Unfortunately, that phrase is all too common, and it applies to both sides of my family.

I am not sure which is worse. Being the 'black sheep' of the family, or being practically nonexistent to them.

in my coping arsenal is this. When I am confronted by other's hurtful behavior, I immediately remind myself not to take their behavior personally. People do what they do because that is who they are. A therapist that I was seeing for a short stint during a rough patch in my life had this sign in her office: NOTHING IS EVER PERSONAL. Letting that finally sink deep into my brain was so freeing. I get up every day and make a conscious choice to try to be the best that I can be and let others make their own choices on how to go through life. Wish I had absorbed that simple wisdom years ago but I guess we get it when we get it. Stay YOU Lucky, we love ya like ya are!!

I'm getting shit-talked to people I care about by this sibling.

So then I have to explain exactly what happened to the people that are hearing all the lies.

It's exhausting.

It’s good to be zen and not reactive to others. It’s also called cognitive behavioral therapy - your choice how to react. There is a woman in my larger friend group who loves to criticize people- she has a mean streak. A couple of times she’s attacked me and I just remind myself she does it to others. I give her no reaction and change the subject because it’s obvious she has a personality disorder.

Albert Ellis, the father of cognitive behavioral therapy says why be shocked when a neurotic behaves like a neurotic.

Last edited Sat Nov 1, 2025, 07:07 PM - Edit history (1)

That said, I'm fortunate in having a good friend in my sister, but when our mother died, we wanted to strangle each other.

The death of a parent tends to make the offspring temporarily insane (regardless of whether or not they had a good relationship with her).

...in a scuba diving adventure gone awry. I was 26. We were very close, and I think it unlikely that we would ever have become estranged.

It always makes me sad when I hear about siblings who have fallen out, even for very valid reasons. It seems like such a waste of what should be a good relationship.

My sympathies to all of you who do not have nourishing relationships with your siblings.

...I think

I'm not really sure what you are saying either.

Welcome to DU. Enjoy your stay.

What could they possibly say in the letter that will change anything.
Take care of #1.

Tikki

It was a card, with some words of encouragement and a prayer card.

They are reaching out.

I did not respond.

Everything is alright. I'm ignoring them.