Elder-caregivers

Until she is declared incompetent by a court and a family gets guardianship (do NOT let any agency do that - they are killers who will drain accounts dry then dump their charge), it is her choice alone. You can talk at her all you want until then.

I have lost both my elderly parents and my husband’s. My father refused to let my demented mother wind up in a facility. She died at home. My mother in law was similarly cared for by her husband and hired caregivers until she had to go to hospice. My father in law had a serious talk with her the day she lost 20 minutes of time sitting, and could not get up herself. She understood the need at that point.

My father lived alone about 6 months after my mother died, then decided to move to a retirement community. I helped him until he died several months later. But he didn’t want the company, just the conveniences. He was as happy as he could be under the circumstances, and took a lot of strain off him physically. But again, HIS choice. He had to go see the awesome (and expensive) one I recommended before making the decision.

My father in law needed that, but refused. My husband and I talked to him about it a few times, but let it go. YOU CANNOT TALK AN ELDER INTO THAT CHOICE IF THEY DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR HOME, and nobody should harp on them about it. It’s not fair, and it just makes the relationship and stress worse. He too wound up in hospice after several falls, and passed a couple weeks ago.

It can go 2 ways. Either the elder realizes that they are not doing good things for themselves or family by insisting on living independently, or they wind up so unable to care for themselves that family does have to take the steps toward guardianship. Sorry - it sucks. But there’s no forcing the issue.