Elder-caregivers

It wasn’t really Alzheimer’s because it lasted so long and without physical breakdown.
But… my Mom had a hard time with it. She treated it as a “phase” and thought if she corrected him or argued with him she could jog his memory and he would be back to normal. She felt so alone, having to take over all the responsibilities that he had previously taken care of. Fortunately she was pretty good at doing that, but I saw that she really resented that. Sometimes she would call me in tears. I hope she didn’t yell or scream at him. He retained his jovial congeniality through it and I was so glad of that.
When I was 50 I had a stroke and had the unique experience of STM loss. It is truly a loss. No amount of coaxing or berating or anything will get the person to remember. I could, once I could talk again, finally explain Dad’s side of the coin to Mom, though it is hard to say if she listened or understood. When you can’t recall it is terribly frustrating and even more so when your loved one is mad at you for forgetting. There is nothing there to remember. NOTHING.

My Mom lived in fear… she stopped taking care of herself, though she desperately needed a knee replacement. She feared having to be in the hospital. Who would take care of him? It was a burden too hard to describe. She felt cheated of getting old with him, the smart, warm, loving husband she had lived with for over 50 years.
I was so sad for both of them.

Then I found this book.. called “Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s “…
I sent copies to my Mom and brothers.
One sentence stood out to me… it was that the person with dementia may not remember WHAT
you said but they will remember how you made them FEEL. A person with dementia still needs to know they are important and loved and safe.

Also, worth mentioning here is be gentle if you are telling him bad news. It will send an adrenaline rush through him each time he hears it will be as his first. My brothers didn’t understand this when
one time my Mom fell and was in the hospital. He was looking around the house going from room to room and then coming into to kitchen where we all were and asking, “Have any of you people seen my wife?” (Not so sure he knew we were his children)
My brothers would go into this long speech of how she fell and was taken to the hospital and was having surgery. He was like *gasp* the hospital??? *gasp* surgery????
The color would leave his face and he would go looking for her again. I really jumped on them for saying that. He had a very fragile heart. I said we’re they trying to kill him?? They were, like, well we don’t want to lie to him! Then he was back in the room again, hunting for Mom. Where is she?
I just said “She had to go out for a while. She is ok. She will be back soon.” He calmed down, and his hunts became less frantic. When he asked again I would say the same thing to him and try to introduce a new conversation, like would you like a sandwich? etc.

All of the above advice regarding Alzheimer’s that others have given is very good.
Do you have children who could pitch in and care for you if you get your knee done?
Does your community have adult day care?
The people at the Alzheimer’s hotline reminded me about respite care, to give yourself some time away to take care of yourself. I called them after my brothers left and I was living with my parents for several months after her surgery. It was hard. I convinced them to move into a seniors facility and packed up their house. Sometimes my Mom really got on my nerves, too, but I was glad I had that special time living with them and taking care of them. Mom started slipping away pretty fast, as she had hit her head very hard when she had her fall which resulted in her frequently getting lost and driving very badly. So I told her doctor and he told her she couldn’t drive anymore. That could have been very bad if I had told her outright.
We lost both of them 11 years ago, five weeks apart.

Try and read that book I mentioned:
Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s
it’s about $10 on Amazon and they have a kindle edition too
which is probably much cheaper.


I hope you still love your husband very much and are being kind to him.
He really needs you now.
If you need us, we are here ! ❤️❤️❤️