Mental Health Support

You are where you are. No need to apologize for that.

But if you want health, you need to drop the "my presence signaled the end of something". (Easier said than done, but needs to be done.) And ditch the "failed" narrative. (Also easier said than done.) Getting here in the here and now is not failure. You have faced many headwinds and are not giving yourself sufficient credit.

I do not for a minute believe pleasure "has not really happened in the last decade for sure." You know what gives you little pleasures. A taste. Maybe a cat video. A dandelion seed in the wind. A little trill of notes. I don't know, but you do know. Make it a priority to make time to make and take a little pleasure. Don't worry about trying to remember past pleasures. You know your little pleasures in the here and now.

The negative thoughts? Don't fight them. Say "Hello. We've met before." and then get back to the task at hand without dwelling on them. Dropping the negative narratives will only happen by gently dropping dropping them each time they arise without rancour and anger just because one arose. Simply drop them each time without fighting and without complaining or worrying that they came back. They will come back millions of times. You can drop them millions of times. The more times you fight them the more times they come back. The more times you drop them them less they will come back.

I bet you do not meditate. Meditation is emptying the mind. Watch your breathing for ten minutes. Just sit and watch without judging it or analyzing it. That helps you do activities big and small without the inner critic. Yes, evaluation is important, but not second by second. Old dogs can't learn new tricks. Learn this new trick. It's not hard but it takes repetition. Do not give up. You will fail at it until you succeed, but you will succeed if you keep doing it. Ten minutes a day until you get better at it. Don't worry about failing. It is necessary for success. Success is not total elimination of the inner critic. Success is letting go of it every time it wants to seize control. I don't meditate because I know how (last time I did was over a year ago and was three hours). I cultivate a meditative state of mind while doing dishes and shopping and a myriad of other activities. Just do the thing that needs doing without self criticism, without self evaluation, without negativity. Just do everything one little step at a time. Get the dishwater to something approximating the right temperature without criticizing the temperature.

Every time you fail at stopping the self criticism, at stopping the woe is me narrative, don't worry. Just pick up the task at hand and continue doing it. Practice does not make perfect but it makes better.

You are stronger than you realize.