Finally considering applying for Disability... reconciling conflicting emotions [View all]

I have an Auto-Immune condition and arthritis related illness that has kept me from having gainful employment since 2006. It has affected me since way before that but i really crashed and burned after my divorce. I've been on and off TANF for years and the stress of monthly reports is wearing on me, not to mention it is less than enough to live on with 3 kids and I am always asking my parents to help out (fix my car, dentist, shoes for the kids, etc)
My mom seems to think I just need to "buck up" and get healthy again and get on with life... I have been trying but I couldn't even keep the last flunkie 20-hr week job because the copying and standing and collating just wrecked me...

Meanwhile I have good days and bad days, though it feels about only 25% good... but alot of it is also beating myself up for not being able to feel better. I take Cymbalta for chronic pain and related depression, and Embrel for the Autoimmune stuff... and i am still not in remission by a long shot, but being on Medi-CAL probably limits any meds that run over a certain amount per month, so whatever.
Funny, even my Rheumy understands the amount of this that is self-stress related... I have a real problem with my family thinking I am just a flake and a slacker ...even though my sister has the same disease, she still manages to work 40 hrs a week, etcetc

So here I am being told by various friends who are also healthcare professionals that I just need to go ahead and apply for Disability and allow myself to focus on HEALING myself than trying to please everyone. But it feels like it's admitting defeat to the illness or something... Like I am letting others down or something stupid.

there's no doubt in my mind that it's the right thing to do for my health and stress level...the plus side clearly wins over the minus.

Please tell me these feelings are normal, and that applying for and receiving Disability doesn't make me a "failure" or a "flake"