Boris Johnson is visiting Wales today meaning a raft of exciting new insults will be hurled in his direction.

The new Prime Minister knew that realising his ambition and making it to Downing Street would always have a few drawbacks. One of them was visiting places like Wales.

“I was hoping I could do this by Skype,” said Boris. “But the farms I’m visiting don’t have the bloody Internet. That’s not even a joke.

“I don’t know how these farmers cope with no access to PornHub and only sheep for company.

“I mean, us Bullingdon boys were always more about the pigs.”

Boris will be visiting the farm of one Mr Simon Williams.

“I’ll be teaching him a few Wales phrases, don’t you worry,” said Simon.

“When I meet him I’ll shake his hand, smile warmly and say, ‘Dos i chwara dy Nain’ [go and finger your granny].

“I’ll then give him his welcome gift, a t-shirt bearing the words ‘Anws blewog’ [hairy anus].

“After his visit, when he’s made all his bullshit promises and is saying goodbye I’ll wave and tell him, ‘Mynd i ffwcio chi eich hun’ [go and fuck yourself].

“Welsh farmers receive £300m a year from the EU. A no-deal Brexit would mean the Government won’t be able to afford to replace those lost subsidies.

“Boris just doesn’t seem to care, the ‘cont gwirion’ [you can probably work that one out].”

It’s not Johnson’s first visit to Wales – he attempted to become an MP there in 1997.

He was never going to win Clwyd South but his campaign slogan probably didn’t help: ‘Good God, do people actually live here?’