Spurious News: Trump tries to burn down Mar-a-Lago to divert attention from Epstein Files! [View all]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Ever since King Donald Trump realized disgraced financier and professional sex fiend Jeffrey Epstein kept records of the rich and powerful who bought sex with minors from him and that Trump is in them, he's done everything short of arson to distract people from trying to find those files.

On second thought, scratch out that "everything short of" thing. Today he tried that too.

Said Palm Beach County Senior Arson Investigator Jeffrey O'Donnell, "it's painful to think of how bad an arsonist Trump is. He dumped a cup of gasoline in the middle of his ballroom floor and ignited it. The floor in that room is marble. When you do something that stupid on a marble floor, the flame sits on top of the gas vapors about a quarter-inch from the floor. The floor didn't even get sooty, although the ceiling kinda did, and the fire had burned itself out long before we got there.."

Trump won't necessarily be charged for doing this. Said Investigator O'Donnell, "it's not really illegal to burn down your house unless you're trying to screw over the insurance company. I told him to wash the ceiling, to not report it to the insurance company and to not fucking do it again.