Trump goes full panic, accidentally humiliates himself - Another Day - Brian Tyler Cohen

Transcript:

after nearly six months in office Donald
Trump firmly plants his flag on the
White House lawn this is just another
day
it's been a tense few days for this
president what with the United States
finding itself on the brink of joining
an international conflict but this is
why we have leaders to take control to
be that steady hand and to tell a
worried nation that everything will be
okay as long as we have two new flag
poles yes why conduct any actual
presidential business when you can
attend to a little landscaping honestly
I wouldn't be surprised if Trump tried
to get Marine One to take him to Home
Depot but then backed off when he
realized that he still has all of three
and a half more years to not work and
just beautify the grounds but yes bright
and early this morning Donald Trump
waddled out onto the White House lawn
and met with the workers who were
actually doing the installation of the
flag pole rather than simply claiming
credit for it and then proceeded to drag
those men into a press conference so the
White House opened about 1800
little before that just a tad and I've
always said why doesn't it have a flag
pole from the grass they caught a flag
pole from the grass they have a little
one on top very little one this is uh
about the largest you'll ever see and
it's tapered it's at a quality that you
guys rarely get to even put up they do
that for a living they're incredible
people i don't know them but I love them
and I wish Wow it's almost as if they
are literally being paid to laugh look
had Donald Trump stopped there and let
these men get back to the job they'd
been hired to do well that would have
been a very different Donald Trump
because this president did what has
become a staple of his second term using
people as unwilling backdrops so that'll
be very nice very patriotic we're doing
well well and as a country if the Fed
would ever lower rates you know we'd buy
debt for a lot less iran's got a lot of
trouble and they want to negotiate look
at Harvard they got 53 billion dollars
uh they that whole thing is coming to an
end it's uh it's amazing what we what we
found out russia Ukraine is so stupid
would have never happened if I was
president so I just want to uh wish you
a lot of luck with the new flag pole let
this be a lesson to everyone on
construction sites never skimp on some
solid ear protection at this point there
is not a single person who is safe from
getting caught in the crossfire of
Donald Trump's asine political ramblings
i'm thrilled to welcome to the White
House and very special people actually
very talented people the 2024 World
Series champion the Los Angeles Dodgers
you know when I came to office they said
the eggs are very gone through the roof
eggs i said "What the hell are they
talking about?" and you have two great
American players on this team we're not
looking for a ceasefire we're looking
for a total complete victory uh again
you know what the victory is no nuclear
weapon donald it is okay to not inject
politics into every single event uh just
a guess but I doubt the Florida Gators
want their White House celebration
defined by accusations that Biden used
an autopen but just in case any of these
men were itching to get out of the
spotlight Trump hit him with the promise
of what may come from all of this media
attention but remember this somewhere in
this group there's somebody that is
going to captivate some movie producer
not Harvey Weinstein but
Harvey's seen a better day so it won't
be Harvey but it'll be somebody and say
that that guy is perfect for a movie yes
I think we can all look forward to next
summer's blockbuster poll in one the
true story of several brave employees
attempting the herculean feat of getting
back to work donald Trump spent nearly
45 minutes telling the media about his
glory poll because as he knows better
than anyone a moment not used to further
your cause is a wasted opportunity
granted at least he's not so predictable
that he would say what he literally
always says about everything that he's
got the best polls right
right these are the best polls anywhere
in the country or in the world actually
they're tapered uh they have the nice
top
this person is a parody of himself the
best people the best deals the best
rallies and now the best polls suck on
that Poland do you know how insecure you
have to be to feel the need to beat your
chest over a flag pole my dude you are
the commander-in-chief the leader of the
free world putting up a flag pole on the
lawn of the most iconic building on the
planet and still you cannot help
yourself from dunking on other flag
poles and might I add you're not even
doing it well tapered with a nice top
just sounds like something you whispered
to Jeffrey Epstein on his plane is there
anything this man can stop himself from
saying let's have a good They call it a
lifting they also use another word but
I'm not going to use that word you know
what that is the word it starts with an
E you know what the word is if I ever
used it I'd be run out of town uh we've
got the F word the C word but the E word
that'll get Trump run out of town i mean
I know how much his party hates equality
but that can't be it wait a minute is
this guy shying away from saying
erecting
in his defense i would be horrified of
that word too if I hadn't been able to
get my poll erected over the last 30
years i hate to say it but if you
haven't been run out of town for
claiming the election you lost was
rigged for telling your previous
Secretary of Defense to shoot peaceful
protesters in the leg and for being
found guilty of sexually abusing women I
don't think saying you're erecting a
flag pole is going to make it happen how
is it possible that the world's biggest
dick has a hard time saying erecting i
mean according to America's leading
penis expert Jack Pacib Trump was
supposed to be the one comfortable with
phalloscentric communication and to me
nothing communicates a message more than
putting a giant pole on your front lawn
and just a quick aside this e-word
moment is merely the latest installment
of Donald Trump's fixation on completely
normal words to a point where the next
one's going to be you know what the
N-word you know what the N word is right
nuclear it's an oldfashioned term that
we use groceries i used it on the
campaign it's such an oldfashioned term
but a beautiful term groceries trying to
wrap my head around Donald Trump's view
of the English language honestly makes
me want to punch myself in the dword but
after numerous hours of backbreaking
work by other people Donald Trump
finally got his wish a giant momentary
distraction from his disastrous
presidency
yes while the United States is on the
brink of let's call it Iraq War 2.0 know
as Trump's dictator-esque ICE
deportations continue throughout the
country and as elected officials
routinely find themselves handcuffed and
arrested this president carved out
enough time in his schedule for a
desperate and shallow distraction that
showcases some truly surface level
patriotism i can't wait to watch next
week when he brags about changing the
White House's Wi-Fi passwords to I love
America 1776
i mean for the love of God spare us the
construction worker cosplay and get back
to doing the job you were elected to do
because I guarantee erecting sorry uh
lifting flag poles was not it regardless
of if you paid for it or not two flags
top of the line paid for paid for by
Trump wow how thoughtful of you to pay
out of pocket for the thing you wanted
otherwise known to the rest of us as
buying something it's worth noting too
that this is nothing compared to what
you've earned by exploiting your
presidency in your second term through
hosting billionaire fil crypto dinners
launching your own cell phone company
signing billion-dollar deals for Trump
brand luxury resorts in Qar and even
finding a way to get $40 million for a
documentary about your wife that I'm
sure tens of people are just falling
over themselves to watch funny how
American taxpayers found themselves
footing the bill for your $50 million
birthday parade but you finally found
your wallet when it came time to cut a
$100,000 check to will this make people
think I have a big penis LLC this poll
is nothing more than another empty
gesture from a man who loves the
symbolism of America but not what that
symbolism stands for it is the physical
manifestation of the distraction Donald
Trump is constantly looking for a tall
shiny thing that he hopes all Americans
will look at so they're too busy to
notice him stripping millions of people
of Medicaid and food stamps that people
will be so enamored with a piece of
fabric waving in the wind that they
won't notice a man suppressing his
citizens rights to peaceibly assemble
people should be so aruck by the stars
and stripes whipping back and forth that
they won't have time to notice this
president abusing his power through
travel bans attacks on institutions of
higher learning and his subversion of
the justice system but I hate to break
it to you Mr president there is not a
flag pole big enough to distract us and
the fact that you think there is well
that's just embarrassing sorry eword