WHITE PHONE: It is not too late. You are judged how you deal with others. A change is always welcome. There will be great rejoicing in Heaven...
UBU: You mean there hasn't been already...
WHITE PHONE: In your ongoing case, quite frankly, no. In fact on Earth, results, to put it politely- if not honestly- the reception, the results, are mixed at best. But we are not here to talk about the worst, but a turn toward the best.
UBU: The best deal ever.
WHITE PHONE: We mean two different things at this point. If you believe, we can come together.
UBU: Mutual respect.(Nods head rapidly)
WHITE PHONE: Let us just say we have a deal at this point?
UBU: Now, You're talking!...Uh Gabriel?
WHITE PHONE: Yes?
UBU: When do we start?
WHITE PHONE: Right now. Your heart is healed, otherwise the whole thing would be moot. We have a list of things to do and public addresses to make.
UBU: Not so fast! Have to test this new ticker out. Hello?...Hello? Jesus! did they just hang up?
ESTEBAN #3: Here are your new batches of regal commands, Sire.
UBU: Oh, well, if I must. Say, you don't look familiar. Recite the oath!
ESTEBAN#3: Ubu Roi, tu es la loi, L'Etat c'est moi, c'est ca je crois. I serve and I obey everyday, everyway. I obey-bey-bey-bey-be-e-e-ey...
UBU: OK, wonderful. You know I was just talking to His Satanic Majesty, really great guy. Plays a mean round of golf, of course. Wait...I am supposed to give these orders?
(White phone and red phone ring simultaneously. Ubu looks from one to the other, indecisive. Picks up red phone)
RED PHONE: This is to be expected. Glad to see you trying to forget about your lapse. Remember what happens to anyone breaking one of MY contracts!
UBU: Myfisto? I told you I don't like talking to subordinates, especially someone disrespecting me so far as to make threats. Let's remember who the King is around here. (picks up White Phone as Red gets too hot to handle.
UBU: Hello, G..Gabriel is it? I get it with this infernal damnation thing. They've been trying to get me under their thumb and spoil everything that's great. Let me sign this first order...I don't have to sign it in blood do I...Haha...uh yeah I thought that was funny too.
PRESS SECRETARY A BLONDEBOT: " BY ROYAL DECREE ALL SPENDING CUTS, ALL DEPORTATIONS AND FIRINGS WILL BE SUSPENDED AND REVERSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE_ except for that mean guy who talked bad about me after all the great things I let him do, no, not very nice at all- AND ALL ARMED FORCES AND FEDERAL AGENTS SHALL RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL POSTS AND DUTIES FORTHWITH.
UBU: You know I kind of enjoyed that. That part I added I thought was really good. Not often you get to add to perfection. They thought they knew who they were dealing with. That'll take the self-righteous smug look off their faces. All this and Heaven too! This is the best position to negotiate my future. Almost got taken in like a typical chump of Satan! This path doesn't look so narrow. Do you think I might even get an angelic host parade when I come marching in?
RED PHONE: rings violently
UBU: (laughs) That's right! Eat your heart out, loooo-ser! Ubu is going to be saved!

End of Act One

{The short play is in three acts. The second is the struggle for salvation. I know this is ominously close to offending just about everyone, but it is a comedy with the very very best of intentions for those who need it most. }

ACT TWO: Scene One- Mountain of Temptation

UBU: Let's see if I got this straight. Skip the Ten Commandments and start with the rewards instead. But the rewards are kinda woke. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, the mourning, the lowly, those who hunger for...hunger for...holiness." I mean, commandments certainly did nothing except try to tell me what not to do. Sort of insulting and it says here "Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of slander against you because...". That certainly applies to me all over and they make up every fake reason so it might even be because I say I am a Christian. Catholics have cannon lawyers right? Maybe they can find me a piece of this blessed be action, although it sounds suspiciously woke to me.
GABRIEL: (Now in person, dressed as Virgil, the bard of Empire) It is hard- sometimes...very often...always?...impossible for people to get the Word of God straight. So yes, the Commandments in your case have not been particularly fruitful. You shouldn't even need much understanding to know dealing with the Devil is way off base. Because of your earthly father you were set upon a very dangerous spiritual path. In fact- not spiritual at all and not very successful for even being a simple mortal mammal. So let us look at what always remains in the end. It all boils down(sorry for the Hellish metaphor) to simply acting like God. Words just mess you up.
UBU: Jesus! I've done so much already! Well, that was the other contract. That's over now. If I can take my crypto currency into the afterlife- it's all digital you know, pretty spiritual- I could send it back down to Earth like blessings? How does that sound? (enter Mephistopheles panting)
MEPH: Another mountaintop! Are you going to show him all the Kingdoms and National Parks he has to trade off for his soul. Look! There's Greenland off to the North with just a few tribal Vikings to deport to Denmark! Come on, your fellow Emperor already has a chunk of Utopia to pillage. You'll never get Canada at this rate.
ESTEBAN#2: Listen to him, sire! Your agenda has much to do and there is yet time. Your legacy! Your fortune! Think of your children!
UBU: (Turns to Gabriel, squinting) They have a point.
GABRIEL: And a contract, whose time is running into inescapable payment. We offer you a free choice. First there is an invitation to help one single person, that might decide all. It is up to you.
ESTEBAN#2: Sure. Just bend the knee!
GABRIEL: Knees in Hell are all broken, however they are posed. You are only free to be in pain forever under a fake servitude, a fraudulent self-identity, free to be not you, not Me.
UBU: My head hurts. Can we get on with this?

Scene Two: Detention center of Gator Guantanamo

UBU: I've seen this before.
GABRIEL: But now we are here, in disguise as two guards. Here is a victim of your quota deportations, cut off from family and legal appeal, awaiting rendition to some fresh Hell on Earth where she is unlikely to survive certain to be harmed.
UBU: What's your name girl? Uh... hola?
MARG.: Margharita, sir. I do not speak Spanish. I was born in America, but for some reason I was grabbed by men in black masks, handled roughly and sent here, away from my parents and everyone. Can I have a glass of water?
UBU: I can’t believe they did that to you. You must have done something wrong. You must be a terrible, terrible person!
MARG: Well, I am a terrible person now, because I am very angry. Everything they told me about freedom and rights and the law in America is a lie. If I survive, I will be avenged.
UBU: (Aside to Gabriel, who does not respond in any way) You see? I was right. This is why these people are so dangerous. We must protect ourselves from them at all costs. I figure eleven million is a fair number. Bound to be some mistakes, but you cannot take chances. Besides the number is everything. Part of the deal….oh.
GABRIEL: Something wrong?
UBU: Yeah. This is a whole new deal. Christ, I sound like FDR! Well, small beginnings...Little girl?
MARG: Margharita. Well, what?
UBU: Everyone is coming back, you know. There will be a fair trial. I mean, for the ones with criminal records.
MARG: I’ll believe that when I get back home to my parents. Then the fun starts!
UBU: (Waving hands defensively)No! Too many people have been hurt already. It’s time to be nice. Be happy.
MARG: My pursuit of happiness means hounding Ubu to his grave!
GABRIEL: We have to be going. We’re attracting too much attention.
MEPH Also dressed as a guard) Is that guard bothering you miss? He’s not to be trusted around young women. He has a rep AND a rap.
UBU angrily) Leave me alone! Why is everyone so mean to me? Can’t I have at least one friend I can do good deeds for? You never liked me and I never trusted you, Myfisto...no matter how much fun we had.
MARG: Get me out of here and I’ll do whatever you want!
UBU: Really? In that case...wait a minute. This is what you call a temptation, right? No, I just want to set one thing right and be a real friend. YOU are my ticket of escape. I get you out that way and you’ll do bad things, very bad things, so bad I can’t help you. Then what will become of me? (Ubu pauses, contemplating his Homer Simpson logic)
MARG: Well, just say no and leave me to rot then? What are you scared of?
UBU: Me scared?(laugh turns shaky) Look, I will be the best friend you ever had. I am the bestest friend you ever had! All you have to do is like me. Uh, trust me. I deserve it.
MARG: Aren’t you the odd duck. What about you other two?
MEPH: I need an agent of change, Margharita. Work for me and I’ll get you out of here. You’ll get your revenge.
MARG: O.K. At least that makes sense.
GABRIEL: Despite new heart health his time is short. Look at the billions of stars- the very few one can see and think of the billions of years past and to come. A firefly consumed in a candle has as much significance as all Earthly Kings. All dead, if not forgotten now in less than a blink of cosmic time. The only small world of significance- and that only coming from God- is the single immortal soul. The only good free choice is to live for that.
UBU: Well, how does that happen? Do I really have a choice?
MEPH: None really. Freedom means the right to say no. Then you get screwed.
GABRIEL nods) Guaranteed choice, of course. Freedom given to others is the only thing a self can do to earn to live forever. Then there is only Mercy.
MEPH: Hey! We live forever in Hell too! We all get respect and we respect our Leader. No surrender. No regrets!
UBU: Is that a golf course over there?
GABRIEL: We'll get to that. Now do you mind if I banish Mephisto? He's consuming a lot of your last precious moments.
UBU: Yeah. He's been getting on my nerves with all his smart talk. And depressing. I should be feeling a lot better, but even this new ticker isn't cutting it. I wonder...(grabs crotch)
GABRIEL: (quick response) Just the heart and its a temporary dispensation.
UBU: I think I will do something to get saved. No, there's never been a convert like me. I've got to do something special. After all, I'm having a big change of heart.(laughs heartily) How about world peace? That would be a big deal.
GABRIEL: For that you have to get in the middle of a war. Understand it. Save people. Show them where you stand and stand everyone down until they come to their senses...but good luck. You’ll need that more than a miracle.

ACT TWO: SCENE THREE

(Done as puppets- optional. Ubu and Gabriel are ambulance drivers in the Gaza strip, under fire)
UBU: Hey are we delivering hamburgers in Seattle?
The white get up looks really pure, but we sure stand out. Are those fireworks?
GABRIEL: We are volunteer ambulance drivers in Gaza and the artillery is welcoming us. They might be claiming they are giving us protective fire, but more likely think we are hiding enemy soldiers.
UBU: Get me out of here! I don’t even watch the footage and I know damn well...(Loud explosion, ambulance blows up with limbs and heads scattered everywhere.)
This is real! My God, get us out of here!
GABRIEL: (Brushing off his shoulders) In a bit. How do you propose we make peace?
UBU: Peace? All they want to do is exterminate each other. All right let them, but they shouldn’t be shooting at foreign aid workers. And they can forget about that casino. Look at all those craters! Nobody is going to fly in to stay at my motel in this graveyard. Why can’t they just get along- or go away? Except to my country, obviously. Is that a child’s hand.
GABRIEL: One of thirty-one. One child had already lost a hand previously.
UBU: Well, thank God it wasn’t my fault. Uh, is there anyone left to patch up. I’d like to start earning my wings. (Stoops over corpse and vomits). I think I soiled myself during the explosion. My ears are still ringing unless those are bells?
ESTEBAN#2: Hola! It is wonderful to see you alive
Sire! Your enemies have revolted in your absence. What members of our forces aren’t in hiding are searching for you too.
UBU: Too? Are they coming to my aid?
ESTEBAN#2: Well, no Sire...
{Paula Vogel in 2017 had an Ubu proposal of sorts to all dramatists, which technically I am not, although I wrote one college play and some cornball skits for a summer camp. One full parody of the Wizard of OZ which is buried in copyright prohibitions. I found this out AFTER I wrote this abomination combining Faust and Ubu. There is a bit of scene three left and then on quickly to Act Three which begins in the Vatican. Will Ubu be saved? Some drama there. It is all predetermined by the Muse. Forgive me!}

Some of them mine but not lately and the Third Act would have been added has I not accidentally DELETED my file! Rewriting makes it better I suppose. 888 would symbolize perfection. I have factored in Goethe with his highly unacceptable salvation by Gretchen and dissatisfaction with the "glamour of evil"- which he sampled profusely. But Ubu is already the servant of Satan, so in any contest with God he is steadfastly on the wrong side of the bar. He will ALWAYS have it his way, that is the trick where he tricked himself.
ACT THREE: Vatican City, Sistine Chapel