July 21, 1933 ... today would have been my father's 92nd Bday

He passed in 2023, literally a year to the day -12 hours from my Mom. They were married 60 years and he was lost without her...

He was a complicated guy. A late born child of his family, his mother was not pleased and there were a lot of family traumas that he brought to bear... The anger he often had were so much emotional disregulation, and it was also the expressions of his own father's nature. I carried a lot of that through as a parent, often blowng up on my kids for just being overwhelming.
I get it now... spent the entire weekend doing some deep self healing and reconciling our family dramas so that I can heal my relationship with my kids and help them in their lives hopefully... I always felt like a 'fuckup' because I couldn't seem to get a career, house, etc in order. I have been borderline poor my whole life, and felt like that was a failure in his eyes somehow.
~ ~ ~
He had a great sense of humor, and I got that from him. Also we had a running joke in the family that he'd 'talk to a signpost of it would talk back" - I got that too. The ability to strike up a conversation with people in line, waitresses, cashiers etc... just to tell a joke and brighten their day. I love that he made me so gregarious. (mom called it the 'gift of gab')
He was also a self taught man on many levels... from the ukulele to physics, he had a thirst to build and UNDERSTAND things. I have that same curiosity of life...

When I was younger, we had property in the wilderness of the No Cal redwoods. I would often tag along when he went to go work on the water pump, playing in the creek nearby and helping when needed, learning about how things worked. We hiked that whole 40 acres of crazy terrain...found three of the four aerial markers of the survey plots. He taught me how to read a map and use a compass.
Once, when we were trying to get home on one of those hikes, I remember thinking we were hopelessly lost and sitting down on a log and crying my lament.. He told me to knock it off, plopped the map in front of me and asked "Where's North, find NORTH ?!!?!!" in his gruff tone.
It might have seemed a harsh way to respond to a 10 year old's tears, but he taught me a valuable lesson... suck it up and figure it out. WHERE are you NOW? where do you want to go?
I think that lesson, no matter how rough it might have seemed to my wounded inner child - taught me the resiliance I have needed to get through my darkest times. I was able to suck it up, figure out my plot point, and map my way back to the trail of my Life.
~ ~ ~

Today, I am going out for lunch "with" Dad, getting his favorite, fish & chips. I didn't get to do this last year, as my ex was still in the picture and was an intruder into an intimate grief ritual. I'm bringing my favorite pic of him in the frame and sitting him at the table. I'm bringing a birthday candle and having dessert. (his frugal nature is spinnin in the grave at the $$ LOL) Bringing my journal and processing anything that comes to me, poetry, lyrics, etc...

I got my business license on his Bday 2 years ago... Today, I am finally opening a business BANK ACCT... hoping that his money magic and abilities rub off on my own success!!
~ ~ ~
William Howard Marsh 1933-2023
May he have a great time hanging with all his old buddies and mom in that big afterParty of LIFE!

[url=https://ibb.co/Z1V29RTt][img][/img][/url]