Christ, I have to go to a wedding next weekend.
I knew it was coming, but I was thinking it was NEXT July, and I was thinking I'd be dead by then and I wouldn't have to go.
I have barely been out of the house in the past 5 years, and I thought I was all done with weddings.
I hardly put pants on. Seriously. I wear boxer briefs in the summer. I've spoken to people face to face while wearing boxer briefs and an untucked shirt, and no one knew the difference. I haven't been exactly right in the head since the pandemic.
Now I have to put CLOTHES on for the wedding.
It's causing a bit of tension here tonight.
"That's NEXT WEEK?????"
"Yes, I told you"
"I'm not fucking going"
"Oh yes you are, and you need a haircut before then".
"NO, I'm sick of this short hair and I was going to grow it long"
"You need a haircut"
"I'M NOT FUCKING GOING. I HAD THIS HAIR GROWING THING ALL PLANNED OUT AND..."
"YOU'RE GOING. I'M NOT GOING ALONE"
So I told her to bring the neighbor who she can't stand as a date instead.
I regretted that statement even before it came out of my mouth, but it came out anyway. Then it was off to the races.
"What exactly is your problem, you'll have a good time when you get there, you always complain about going to these things and you're always very charming once you get there and you have fun and blah blah blah"
"No I won't, and everyone there is going to be sloppy drunk like every other wedding, and I don't drink anymore"
'You're going"
"OK then, I'll eat 4 pot gummies before I go then. That's the only way I can tolerate all that bullshit small talk. Then we'll see if you ever want me to go to a wedding again"
"YOU'RE GOING"!
Then, something about me being "unreasonable".
Gotta figure out a way to get out of this.
Maybe I'll go in my boxer briefs.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Oh, so now it's the pandemic's fault! Likely story!
I hope you're not giving away the bride in those boxer briefs!
mutter that very comment while reading my posts on the DU!
I knew it as soon as I read, "OH YES YOU ARE"
get crackin' 
if not, you'll tolerate it
like she said, you may even have a good time
"MAGAt mentality" has been around since long before Trump 
You will never have to go to another wedding again!
Mention one of your recent medical adventures. And say no more. Guaranteed anyone who hears you mention any body part will have a story that tops yours 
We went to my husband's family reunion years ago. He had just recently got over a bout of shingles. The cousins hosting it knew he'd been under the weather. Talk about an icebreaker! When they asked how he was, other cousins overheard and pretty soon, every single person there shared their shingles experience. Talk about being the life of the party! lol
I'll bring my colonoscopy pictures!
And I'll discuss them in great detail!
Like a PowerPoint demonstration!
I'll do it right after the toast to the bride and groom...
I'll grab the mic while holding up the pics...
'Uh, 'scuse me...I'd like to say a few things...these are pictures of my colon...
Then everyone will start clanking their silverware against their drinking glasses (like they do when encouraging the bride and groom to kiss). 
Also, the chicken dance
