ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for a decree of the utmost importance from Donny J. Convict, President of the United States, King of the Americas, Ruler of Our Great Oceans and Plentipotentary for All of Planet Earth and the Stars Beyond.

Screenshot:

‘The NFL has to get rid of that ridiculous looking new Kickoff Rule. How can they make such a big and sweeping change so easily and quickly. It’s at least as dangerous as the “normal” kickoff, and looks like hell. The ball is moving, and the players are not, the exact opposite of what football is all about. “Sissy” football is bad for America, and bad for the NFL! Who comes up with these ridiculous ideas? It’s like wanting to “roll back” the golf ball so it doesn’t go (nearly!) as far. Fortunately, college football will remain the same, hopefully forever!!’



folks, I regret to inform you that this is not one of Gavin Newsom’s awesome parody tweets. nope, this batshit post is one hundred percent from the deteriorating brain of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants — who, apparently, knows more about sportsball than all the sportsballers.

imagine being such a small and petty grievance-baby that everything annoys you. windmills. low-flush toilets. not enough ugly golden filigree in the Oval Office. late-night TV hosts. laws against domestic violence. football.

you would imagine that the very job of being president of a large country would keep one too occupied with actual pressing matters to worry about some rule change in a sport. but I guess when you’ve delegated executive authority to Nosferatu McGoebbels and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, it gives you all the time in the world to bellyache about inconsequential minutiae.