KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking robust security guarantees for his nation, on Wednesday Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy asked Donald J. Trump to “give Ukraine the same protection you have given pedophiles.”

Hoping to flatter Trump, Zelenskyy said, “Mr. President, the Ukrainian people ask you to stand strong with them, just as you have stood strong in your refusal to release the Epstein files.”

“We are not, of course, a nation of pedophiles,” he continued. “But imagine that we were, and protect us accordingly.”

Specifying the sort of protection he sought for Ukraine, Zelenskyy ended his charm offensive by beseeching Trump, “Please give us whatever deal you gave Ghislaine.”