Spurious News: Town Drunk Amends Army Infantry Manual to Mandate Roid Rage!

THE PENTAGON (Spurious News Network) -- One of the most important manuals in the entire United States military establishment is Field Manual 3-21.8, The Infantry Rifle Platoon and Squad. The preface describes it as such: "This field manual provides a doctrinal framework on how Infantry rifle platoons and squads fight. It also addresses rifle platoon and squad non-combat operations across the spectrum of conflict." The manual is so important to infantry combat that both the Army and Marine Corps use it.

Before today, Chapter 1, Fundamentals of Tactics, ended with a dissertation on the Characteristics of Close Combat which stated, "Soldiers must have courage, physical and mental toughness, mental stamina and flexibility." After this morning's announcement that low testosterone levels were hampering lethality, whatever the hell that is, Trump's Designated Hardcore Alcoholic Pete Hegseth walked into the Pentagon's manual-production facility with a half-drunk gallon jug of Military Standard vodka - a beverage sold only in the Post Exchange that you will find in every Army motor pool because it is cheaper than parts washing fluid, works at least as well and not even the kind of drunkard who gets wasted on Sterno would drink the shit in a million years - in one hand and a baseball bat in the other, and edited this section of the manual with his own stubby little fingers.

CHARACTERISTICS OF CLOSE COMBAT
1-30. Close combat is characterized by danger, physical exertion and suffering, uncertainty, and chance. To
combat these characteristics, Soldiers must have courage, physical and mental toughness, mental stamina, flexibility, and roid rage.

ROID RAGE
1-35. Every Soldier must be a frightening spectre because fear wins wars as readily as bullets and bombs do. The best way to convert a Soldier into the kind of raving lunatic who ends battles two miles before he gets to them is to pump him full of steroids such as testosterone then tell him you caught his wife in bed with an MP. No soldier who wouldn't beat one of his platoon mates half to death with his bare hands on Wednesday night then declare him AWOL at Thursday morning PT because he chose to go to the hospital like the little spineless wimp that he is will ever be lethal enough to make President Trump happy."

Army leaders were not amused.

"This may be the strangest thing I ever read," said Major General Brandon Tegtmeier, Commanding General of the 82d Airborne Division. "This division, America's Guard of Honor, neither can nor will accept 'roid rage' as a positive attribute of a soldier."

Command Sergeant Major J.B. Bradshaw, General Tegtmeier's enlisted advisor, was very direct in his assessment of the new Field Manual.

"You've got to be kidding," said CSM Bradshaw. "I've been throwing guys out of the Army for 30 years for doing steroids. I sure the hell am not stopping now. I've got enough problems and so does General Tegtmeier, we don't need an epidemic of domestic violence to be another one."