Spurious News: Trump brings back cigarette commercials!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- At 11:59 pm on January 2, 1971, viewers of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson were treated to sixty seconds of a chorus of women dressed in Victorian fashion singing the song "American Womanhood is Good." It repeatedly featured the line "women shouldn't smoke" as some of the choir members ducked down to pass around a Virginia Slims cigarette.

It was the last cigarette commercial ever aired on American television.

Until now.

At 12:45 am on May 25, 2026, viewers of NBC's Late Night with Seth Meyers were hit with a barrage of cigarette commercials, all thanks to a previously-undisclosed executive order signed by King Donald Trump that declared restrictions on television tobacco advertising were unconstitutional.

"They say that cigarette commercials encourage children to smoke," said King Donald in a prepared statement. "Kids know they're not supposed to smoke cigarettes, so I can't imagine why they would go against the wishes of their parents and elders to do it. Cigarette commercials only serve to help adult smokers make informed choices as to the cigarette they want to smoke."

Reaction was swift and vocal.

Yolonda C. Richardson, President and CEO of Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, said, "The guy who tore down half the White House without asking first, painted the bottom of the Reflecting Pool blue and wants to build a 250-foot arch to his own ego would do this. Is it wrong? Of course it is, and it's also illegal - executive orders can't repeal legislation, and those commercials were banned by the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act of 1969. What is he trying to do, get rid of social spending by killing off anyone who benefits from it?"

Even the cigarette companies don't know what to make of Trump's executive order. Vincent Duhem, Executive Vice President for Marketing of Reynolds American, America's second-largest cigarette manufacturer, said, "Cigarettes sell well even without television advertising. We've actually been working really hard to stop underage access to nicotine products, not only our own products but those of our competitors. We won't be advertising on the Internet, television or radio, even though that idiot says we now can. I just called my counterpart at Altria, the biggest cigarette company in the US, and they won't be doing electronic advertising either."

Trump's motivation soon became clear. "Xcaliber International, a cigarette manufacturer in Oklahoma specializing in 'fourth tier' cigarettes, is about to launch the MAGA brand of cigarettes," said an industry insider who spoke on condition of anonymity. "They plan to make several varieties - MAGA, which is their full-flavor variety; Ultra MAGA, which is an extra-strong cigarette containing Perique tobacco; MAGA Lite, which is a lower-nicotine version of MAGA; and Lady MAGA, which is a menthol. I got hold of a pack of MAGAs and they are the nastiest thing I've ever smoked, like they rolled up a dog turd in an inner tube. I've smoked every brand of cigarettes sold anywhere in the world and these are the first ones I've ever come across that made me want to kick the habit. It's really surprising to me that Xcaliber would agree to make these because almost everything they make is good. But President Trump gets a buck a pack in royalties. The only way he's going to convince anyone to buy a second pack of these atrocious cigarettes is to advertise the fuck out of them - and he really loves television commercials."