The Onion - Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors

WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House.

Investigators were called to the scene after a groundskeeper performing routine landscaping around the North Lawn’s fountain noticed a lifeless arm protruding from a recently overturned patch of soil. Further excavation revealed a 100-foot-long grave stretching nearly to the Executive Residence and containing what experts concluded was almost a decade’s worth of decayed flesh, bone, and high-level security clearance tags belonging to former senior staffers of President Donald Trump.

“Preliminary analysis suggests most of these deaths date back to around 2017, with another massive spike in volume occurring throughout 2025,” said D.C. chief medical examiner Heather Jefferson, adding that the refrigerated trailer inside the department’s portable morgue unit had already reached capacity from the quantity of blond female corpses alone. “Luckily, in many cases, excessive amounts of chemical-based facial fillers seem to have slowed the rate of degradation.”

While investigators have not yet established an official cause of death for each of the 172 exhumed bodies, searches of the burial ground are said to have turned up thousands of spent bullet casings, several sets of Monroe silver cutlery taken from the State Dining Room, and a bloodied Bronco Buster statuette that West Wing cleaning staff had reported missing in 2017. Crime scene photos revealed few of the corpses to be fully intact, with much of the grave consisting of a grisly collection of severed limbs, low-quality veneers, and ill-fitting suits that had been hastily bound up in MAGA rally banners and dumped in the common grave.

https://theonion.com/authorities-unearth-mass-grave-of-trump-advisors/