Spurious News: CIA, NSA unveil "cheap, foolproof" anti-smart glasses tech, release it to the public free of charge!

FORT MEADE, MD (Spurious News Network) -- "Smart glasses, like the ones Meta sells, are advertised as the wave of the future," said John Ratcliffe, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, at a televised press conference, "but we in the intelligence community see them as the wave of the future of spying."

"It's not just the loss of national security information that's troubling," said General Joshua M. Rudd, Director of the National Security Agency. "Modern business and finance is done online. Imagine that you're sitting in a McDonald's having a Big Mac and you decide to check your bank balance online before you go to Target. Someone wearing a pair of smart glasses could watch your fingers as they type in your password, and when you get to the checkstand at Target your card's declined because the prick with the smart glasses cleaned out your bank account before you got there."

"Our agencies joined together to come up with a solution for this," said Director Ratcliffe, "which is pretty surprising considering we don't really like each other. But we saw a need and decided to fill it."

"Our requirements were simple," said Director Rudd. "We wanted something that was inexpensive so anyone could get it, absolutely cross-platform, immune to hacking and simple to implement, but at the same time be completely secure and foolproof. NSA employs thousands of Ph.D's in every scientific discipline. They worked on it for months and didn't get very far. Then a Marine Corps staff sergeant named Linda Moss attached to us came up with something so simple, so brilliant and so effective that it was implemented immediately and we highly recommend its use."

Director Ratcliffe pulled out a bag and set it on the table. "This is a tarp. You can get one at any hardware store for very little money. You use it by sitting on one edge of it, setting your computer on the table, tucking the other edge of the tarp under your device, and only then opening your device to get to work."

Director Rudd said, "We know this looks ridiculous. Staff Sergeant Moss even says it looks ridiculous, but like she said, 'you look stupid as fuck when you do this but no one's ever going to use smart glasses to steal your work or your passwords.'"

This announcement caused an immediate run on tarps. Ellen Abernathy, manager of Zimmerman's Ace Hardware in Burtonsville, MD, said, "we even sold the tarps big enough to cover an RV. When the shelves were completely empty, a customer broke into the stockroom, found the tarps and carried them out to the sales floor...where hundreds of other customers grabbed them and went straight to the registers. Please don't do that. We employ plenty of associates that'll do that for you."