Spurious News: Trump puts presidency at risk by releasing file proving he's a space alien!

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) — When you think of King Donald Trump, do you sometimes say to yourself, “no one on earth is really that stupid?”

It turns out that you aren’t wrong.

On May 8, 2026, Trump and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth declassified and released a trove of files the government has held related to unidentified flying objects. One dated June 14, 1946, which was written by New York City police officer Thomas O’Malley stands out.

“I was walking my beat near Central Park at 7 am when I observed an aircraft shaped like a cigar descend to five feet above a walking path. A door opened and a child was thrown out. The child was human in form and had hair in a strange yellowish color I’ve never seen before on anyone. Someone I assume was his father stuck his head out the door and yelled, ‘you had it all but you wouldn’t stop being a worthless piece of shit so now you have to make it on your own.’ The door closed and the aircraft flew away. Five minutes later a landlord named Fred Trump was walking down Central Park West after throwing a war widow out of her home when he spotted the child. He asked the child what he was doing there and the child responded, ‘my daddy kicked me out because he says I’m too big of a piece of shit to stay with them.’ Mr. Trump took his hand and said, ‘you’re coming with me. You’re the son I’ve always wanted!’”

Further documents in the file state the child was named Donald, fed a diet consisting solely of offal, canned peas and gruel, and was shipped off to military school when he turned out to be too big a piece of shit for even Fred Trump to put up with. After Fred Trump bought him a college degree he was brought into the family business and started evicting war widows himself - a job he was very good at.

“This creates a problem,” said a professor at New York University’s school of law. “The Constitution is pretty clear that you have to be a natural-born citizen to be president. While it is true that the definition of that is pretty broad, it’s also true that no reasonable person would consider someone who entered the United States by being chucked out the side of a flying saucer to be natural-born.”

Congressional Republicans immediately wrote a Constitutional amendment repealing the natural-born citizen clause. “We love President Trump,” said Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO), “and the fact he wasn’t born on this planet doesn’t change that we want him to be president forever.” The amendment stands little chance of passing after billionaire financier George Soros announced that the second the amendment is added to the Constitution he’ll buy the presidency for himself.