Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees

Kennedy Vows To End ‘War’ On Stinging-Insect Diets


Published: April 9, 2026

SATIRE

WASHINGTON—After manually prying his eyelids open to read from a report he had prepared on the matter, a badly swollen Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a speech Tuesday in which he warned that Americans were not eating enough bees. “In our survey of American dietary habits, we were alarmed to find that the vast majority of respondents reported eating fewer than two bees in an average day,” said the wheezing health and human services secretary, who stopped speaking for several seconds to reposition his grossly distended tongue in his mouth before suggesting that breakfast cereals could be fortified with live bees to help address bee deficiency in the broader population.

“The human body needs wing nutrients, antennae, and especially stinger venom in order to function properly, but processed foods have many of these essential bee components stripped out, if they were even there to begin with. Powdered bumblebee supplements can help in situations where live bees are hard to come by, though I personally believe Americans should be chomping into a loudly buzzing beehive every morning with breakfast. In fact, I’ve urged President Trump to sign an executive order providing American children with a fresh carton of bees in their school lunch so they can get all the histamines a growing body needs.” Kennedy later returned to the podium with quills sticking out of his face to add that Americans also weren’t eating enough porcupines.

https://theonion.com/swollen-rfk-jr-warns-americans-not-eating-enough-bees/