Spurious News: Trump: "I take twelve nitroglycerin pills a day"

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump claims no one has ever been as healthy as he is. Some of his recent statements seem to put that in dispute.

While giving a speech to students at the Navy's Corry Station base in Pensacola, Fla., he told the students, "there's this new drug out there now called nitro...nitrogly...nitroglycerin. It's the greatest drug that's ever been made. I take twelve a day and I've never felt better, not that I felt bad before."

"TWELVE?" screamed Jennifer DiMarco, MD, professor of cardiovascular surgery at Harvard Medical School. "Nitro is a weird drug in that you don't take it at all unless you feel an angina attack coming on. If you pop it routinely it won't really do anything for you. I'm not saying this is absolute, but if Trump needs to take twelve nitro pills a day he's having twelve heart attacks a day. The Secret Service needs to rent the forklift they'll use to move Trump's casket around now because they'll need it really soon."

"There's another problem," said Jean'ne Shreeve, Ph.D., a professor of chemistry specializing in explosives at the University of Idaho. "Under most conditions nitroglycerin as a drug is completely safe to handle because it's been stabilized by mixing it with other things that can't explode. Alfred Nobel did this when he invented dynamite by mixing nitro with diatomaceous earth and stuffing it into empty paper towel rolls. This is an unusual situation: because he's taking so much nitro and your body extracts the explosive from the filler, if he keeps taking as much as he says he is he'll explode when someone bumps into him. You've seen the video on YouTube of the Oregon highway department trying to blow up a whale carcass that washed ashore back in the 1970s, and flying chunks of whale meat took out several cars. It'll be like that, just not as much fun."

Administration spokesmen confirmed to Spurious News Network that precautions are being taken to ensure the safety of the public. "We have calculated President Trump's blast radius and are taking steps to ensure no one enters the danger zone."