WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the White House is calling “an unfortunate accident,” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Monday after poking his eye with a mascara brush.

Briefing reporters, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt denied that alcohol played “any role” in the cosmetics mishap.

“We expect Secretary Hegseth to make a full recovery,” she said. “He is already working from his hospital bed, texting plans for the invasion of Venezuela to random people in his address book.”

Several members of the Trump administration sent Hegseth their thoughts and prayers, while JD Vance offered him a makeup tutorial.