Last edited Sun Nov 16, 2025, 05:37 PM - Edit history (1)

Been in therapy for (6 yrs...shit.. feels like) 10 yrs., after 30 yrs. of being disassociated. I lost a lot of my life, and the first 17 yrs. of my daughter's life, because I was waiting for the pain, the betrayal to happen. I was probably over protective of her, sometimes.

Along with dissociating, I had way too much guilt. The guilt was, that by the time I was 16, I learned to accept and even anticipate older mens behavior. My body would 'react' I couldn't stop it.

During those 30 yrs., I was married 3 times and it wasn't until my daughter, with 3rd husband, was in college, that I could even remember bits and pieces of what happened during those years. With memories came the guilt, the fear, the confusion. I had stopped having sex at 32, even though I was/am married. (I'm 57). It wasn't my fault. For me, it was another rejection, another betrayal. So, I shrugged my shoulders and stopped trying.

The first molestation there were two men, I had just turned 14. They were friends of my older sisters, one, the same age as my own father. But that was just the first time there was inter-course.

I met the man who later kidnapped me, at 11. I know now that he groomed me. My body was trained to respond. I was always attracted to older men after that. Which lead to only fear when those two men had me, took my virginity. At 16, and the years between 11 and 16, what happened was beyond cruel. The question of why? Why do men do this? Why? I didn't know how to reason what did I do to deserve that...? sometimes, I still don't understand it. And trust me, I have tried multiple religions and spiritual paths. Psychology and Philosophy to grow, to feel safe, to have someone explain to me...why? Now, you can't even trust women? Our world is dirty. Our world is mean.

We have to be on the side of survivors. Whether they are 'only' 15, they are scared. They are confused. They know it's wrong, but, their bodies react. It's horrible. They do a lot of that damage to themselves too, trust me.

Sorry for going on and on.

sage

Thank you for sharing your trauma and story.

I hope you have found some peace.