PORTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Troops deployed to Portland, Oregon by Donald J. Trump cleaned up “a significant amount” of discarded kale at a downtown farmer’s market, FBI Director Kash Patel claimed on Monday.

Declaring the deployment a major success, Patel posted on X, “We are keeping kale off the streets of Portland.”

But city residents soon questioned that assessment, with one longtime Portlander stating, “In Portland we never discard kale—we massage it.”

Patel’s premature claim became yet another embarrassment for the struggling FBI chief, who later acknowledged that the discarded vegetable was not kale but Swiss chard.