PORTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s latest use of the military against US citizens backfired spectacularly on Saturday after Federal troops arrived in Portland, Oregon and immediately formed indie bands.

Across the city, personnel who were until recently members of the military were seen at pawn shops, trading in their automatic weapons for mandolins and zithers.

Within minutes, Portland’s bulletin boards became plastered with flyers for such newly-minted bands as The Kristi Nomads and Hegadeth.

As the city’s sidewalks transformed into an obstacle course of harmonica-blowing buskers, one longtime Portland resident commented, “We didn’t need Federal troops, but we really didn’t need more bands.”