Spurious News: Army helmets and ARs - Texas Education Agency releases 2025 school supplies list
AUSTIN, TEXAS (Spurious News Network) -- "We're going to keep Texas schools safe and peaceful," said a spokesperson for the Texas State Superintendent of Schools, "and we don't care what any woke liberals think of how we do it."
Today the Board of Directors of the Texas Education Agency, the government body that runs all the public schools in Texas, issued a statewide school supplies list for the upcoming term that has raised eyebrows from coast to coast.
The list covers every grade from kindergarten to high school senior and, as one would expect, the lists get longer as students progress.
"In kindergarten through second grade, every student is required to bring an armored blanket," said the spokesperson. "We figured that when the mass shootings start, as they will because Texans are so mad about the senile, woke Democrat in the White House they're taking out their anger by shooting up schools, children below the third grade won't be able to do much more than just hide."
"In fourth through sixth grade, each student must have a shovel, an Army helmet made less than ten years ago and an armored vest capable of stopping the 5.56mm bullet fired from the AR-15," said the spokesperson. "By the time kids are in fourth grade they'll be able to dig their own foxholes when the mass shootings start."
Once a child graduates from elementary school the demands on them become greater. "Every seventh through ninth grader is required to own and bring to school every day an M16 rifle - yes, the one that has a mode that lets it fire like a machine gun, not the cheap-ass semi-only ones they sell in gun stores - and seven full 30-round magazines. In Texas we take great pride in starting our kids the right way with marksmanship training at an early age - and if the kids all have rifles, there'll never be a mass shooting in that school."
High schoolers get a lot more responsibility. "Every Texas high school student must carry at least one 9mm pistol. In addition, each student must either trade in their rifle for an M60 machine gun or attach an M203 grenade launcher to the rifle. High school juniors are required to carry tactical radios, and high school seniors will also carry GPS units."
When it was pointed out that equipping children like they were 82nd Airborne soldiers preparing for battle but not giving them military training would lead to catastrophe, the spokesperson had a ready answer. "Starting on August 1 we will have a four-week basic training session for all Texas schoolchildren, and next year it will expand to the full summer."
Some parents were overly enthusiastic about the new plan. Said Frank Hollingsworth, parent of an Arlington 8th grader, "I never thought my son could possibly save his entire school some day, but with his rifle and his combat load, he could."
Others were a bit more tentative. Said Marie Jones, parent of a San Antonio junior, "A truck just left ten boxes of what the labels say are 'fragmentation' hand grenades, which I'm only going to guess are the ones that kill people, on my front porch without knocking and drove away. I am NOT bringing these fucking things in my house. I called the Texas Education Agency to take these away and you know what those sorry bastards said? They said my daughter is a class grenadier so not only does she have to keep them she has to bring twelve of them to school every day on her 'molly' vest, whatever the hell that is. Fuck this shit, I'm moving to Hawaii. They have common sense there." When Mrs. Jones was informed a MOLLE vest, which means MOdular Lightweight Load carrying Equipment, is what US Army soldiers use to carry small items like live grenades into combat, she went totally ballistic and said her 16-year-old daughter would be carrying live high explosive grenades anywhere "not even over my dead fucking body"