Spurious News: Trump declares Official Tire and Fuel of NASCAR!
BEDMINSTER, NJ (Spurious News Network) -- "We're going to Make NASCAR Great Again," said King Donald Trump. "With NASCAR's new standardized tire and gasoline NASCAR will be more fair than ever!"
King Donald has decreed General Tire to be the Official Tire of NASCAR and Phillips 66 to be the Official Fuel.
Reaction from all players involved was swift.
Mike Helton, vice chairman of NASCAR, said in a prepared statement, "Don, give it up and release the Epstein client list."
Alicia Smith, president of North American operations for tire maker Continental AG, who makes General Tire, said, "Mr. President, you coming up with all this bizarre crap is just making you look more like a chomo every day. Release the damned files!"
Arthur Franklin, president of competition tire operations for Goodyear, who is the actual Official Trire of NASCAR, said, "Hey Don, release the files already!"
Mary Breen, president of refinery operations for ConocoPhillips, owner of the Phillips 66 trademarks, said, "we don't make racing fuel. We have never and will never make racing fuel. And I swear, if you do not release the Epstein files by this time Monday morning I'm going to start buying Democratic congressmen - not to get any fuel regulations revoked but to get your ability to not live in a cage revoked.
Gregory Mortimer, president of Sunoco Race Fuels, manufacturer of the Official Fuel of NASCAR, said "Mr. President, everyone knows what's in those files. It's time to pay the piper, sir."
NASCAR Cup Rookie of the Year front-runner and three-time winner Shane van Gisbergen said, "mate, be very glad we're not in New Zealand; Kiwis would have run you off with a vote of no confidence months ago. Release the bloody files, already."
Dale Earnhardt Jr., NASCAR legend, team owner and one of the few liberals in the sport, said, "Mr. President, look at it this way: if you just release the files it'll be like ripping off a bandage. Or duct tape stuck to your ball hair. Just do it, dude."