Spurious News: Ozzy Osbourne says he isn't dead!

MILTON KEYNES, ENGLAND (Spurious News Network) -- While the world's media mourns the death of Ozzy Osbourne, the heavy metal singer commonly known as the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne himself says they're a little premature.

"What is this fuckin' shit?" asked Ozzy. "I can't fuckin' die. I did more drugs than Keith Fucking Richards. I had to get a fuckin' rabies shot after bitin' the fuckin' head off a fuckin' bat. I got thrown in a fuckin' jail for pissin' on the fuckin' Alamo and then my fuckin' agent booked me back into San Antonio the second the ban against me playing there was lifted. If none of that shit killed me nothing will ever fuckin' kill me."

Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy's wife and manager, confirmed Ozzy is in fact dead but "he's so fuckin' stoned he hasn't noticed yet. But he will. Maybe."