WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vowing to bring to justice “the monster who did this,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem lashed out Wednesday at the person who stole the hair extensions from her head.

The DHS secretary first noticed that her voluminous tress enhancements had gone missing while she was dining at a Washington, DC restaurant Tuesday evening, sometime between the appetizer and entree.

At the White House, Vice President JD Vance theorized that an “evil undocumented immigrant” had purloined Noem’s synthetic mane.

Speaking to reporters, Vance said, “First they took our jobs, then they ate our cats and dogs, and now they’re stealing our hair.”