Spurious News: "Ice" is now "frozen water" thanks to Trump!

LUTZ, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- You can't buy ice anymore.

"We had a big problem with the word 'ice,'" said John Ritchie, spokesman for what was until today the International Packaged Ice Association, the trade group for manufacturers and distributors of bagged ice.

"It all started about a week ago when Frank Harrison, a delivery driver for New York's United City Ice Company, walked into a bodega near Central Park to announce he'd brought today's shipment. Frank yelled out 'ICE!' and everyone in the store fled. Frank walked over to the counter, where all the employees were crouched down in fear, and asked what was wrong. The owner said, 'man, don't say the word ice in here. All our customers think we're being raided.' So, we made some changes."

The change was motivated by the heavy-handed tactics of the federal government's Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department, which is popularly known as "ICE." "Man, no one wants anything to do with them," said Mr. Ritchie.

The product that was formerly called ice is now "frozen water" and the association is now the International Frozen Water Association. Said Mr. Ritchie, "a few years ago the people who make prunes realized young people weren't buying prunes because of the name. Prunes are what old people eat, right? They changed the name to Dried Plums and sales went up considerably. The same thing has happened to us."

Frank Harrison appreciates the change. "This morning I walked into the same bodega I cleaned out a few days ago by yelling 'ICE!" and yelled 'Frozen Water!' Their customers cleaned ME out. I wasn't even able to unload the bags from my truck; They sent a cashier outside with a cash box and sold all the frozen water I was carrying before I could do anything. The only problem I've got with them doing that is I had five more deliveries to make so I had to go back to the frozen water plant for the next one...and the four after that. A hot day is a frozen water man's best friend."

Objections to the change have largely come from the Hard Right. Misty Jones, wearing a MAGA hat and sporting a Trump t-shirt, screamed out when she saw the new signs, "it's fucking ice. It's always been ice. What's this woke frozen water shit?" Another customer yelled in her face, "fuck you, pendejo; fuckin' ICE kicked in my mother's door and deported her to Mexico even though she was born in Detroit. You think I'm going to buy anything that says ice on it after that happened?"