Trump Opens Up Nation's Aquariums To Commercial Fishing

WASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing.

“Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling,” Trump said at a press conference, adding that commercial fishing would now be permitted in all glass-enclosed fish tanks, coastal mammal habitats, and interactive tide pools at the more than 150 aquariums across the United States, regardless of whether spectators were currently enjoying them or not.

“How can Democrats stand by and watch hardworking fishermen suffer when the Monterey Bay Aquarium has an entire kelp forest filled with sharks, jellyfish, and an absolutely enormous sunfish just sitting there, going to waste. That’s why I’ve decided to waive the entrance fees nationwide and open every exhibit to fishing, even the ones with penguins, dolphins, and otters.”

At press time, Trump announced an additional executive order allowing commercial seafood vessels to fish in exotic pet stores, home aquariums, and private backyard koi ponds.

https://theonion.com/trump-opens-up-nations-aquariums-to-commercial-fishing/