And the doctors and nurses and others who provide it are heroes of the highest order.

We had hospice for my parents and my wife's parents, and they all were awesome. We have a neighbor and close friend in hospice right now, and they don't have enough nurses to provide the care needed or the care the hospice wants to provide. It's making the ordeal of death more difficult than it needs to be. But Trump and MAGA don't give a damn. Which is why I hope all of them die the worst possible deaths and take up residence in hell ASAP.

Hospice is amazing, and I cannot say enough great things about the empathy and care the hospice personnel provide.

I am in this situation currently, as an at-home caretaker of a dying family member who is 93 years old with metastasized cancer. However, I am Canadian - we have fully-funded hospice care, both in-hospital and in dedicated facilities. It is immensely reassuring to know that, if and when the time comes, we have that option available. I cannot imagine what families and patients are going through who do not have the resources to pay for full hospice care.

My wife and I are quite isolated, socially, where we live. All our family and friends live in other states or countries. Now that we're older and retired, I'm very much aware that we will be in dire straits if either one of us is in need of prolonged care. And whoever of us is left alone is going to be in an even more vulnerable position.

The lack of care at end of life is infuriating. I wish both of you well.

It is no fun at all. Every day is a challenge!

What hospice benefits?

They came to the house when my husband was dying one time. They told me that they wished us both good luck and that they hoped I knew how to change diapers and then they left.

He ended up at their facility where they finish them off for $500 a day which I paid for.

I have little to no respect for them at all.

Their grief counseling was a joke. I never bothered with it as they weren't into providing it for me, that was obvious.

Make America Grieve Again!

& recommend.

Went through it with my mother-in-law late last year and my mother just recently in January.

They were both admitted easily for in-patient care at an absolutely wonderful facility. Medicare covered absolutely everything while they were there. Both of them passed in hospice care. The nurses and doctors who worked there were amazing and provided wonderful care both for the patients as well as for the rest of our family.

And that goes for the VA too.

I remember driving around with him in the car going from one place to the next trying to find something called HELP for him.

The VA enrolled him as a patient and gave him one-half of a shingles shot. He did not live long enough to get the other half of it.

The VA told him that he was "in at the wrong time" and that he did not qualify for much help. He enlisted in 1959 and got out after being extended in 1963. He was stationed in Germany and received an honorable discharge and a commendation from JFK for his extended service time, and no don't you dare say that there was "something wrong with his DD214"!!!!

He got nothing and was released with impaired hearing which was at a 70% loss when he died. It was from firing off guns for 4 years with no hearing protection.

In the end, he fell and broke his hip. Why they operated on a man his age that weighed maybe 120 lbs. tops is beyond me other than sheer greed.

When he woke up from the surgery, he could not breathe nor swallow. The was no nursing home to be found for him so he was transferred to their local "Hero Center" for end of life "care" = morphine until you are dead and gone.

He tried to escape from this facility but was unable to do so.

The last time I saw him, they had called me and told me to come there ASAP. And, so I went. He was in a bed and going up and down, up and down, up and down like doing sit-ups! I received no explanation as to WHY he was doing this. He was not aware that I was in the room.

I left never to return. He died a few hours later.

SO MUCH FOR HOSPISSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still so fucking angry I cannot see straight.

I have direct personal experience with my dad's and uncles deaths'. When his pain got terribly bad and his confusion out of control, I called the hopsice nurse and we had a family meeting and they offerred 24 hour care to help us and dad - same with my aunt & uncles' family. They gave us morphine patches because dad was struggling to swallow the meds and some anti-anxiety meds which the nurse administered. The nurses who came were wonderful, we and my aunt had 2 per day. My uncle lasted 2 weeks, dad had 5 days of peace. They were a total blessing, especially the one nurse who was an angel and got dad up in his wheelchair so we could enjoy a dinner together. He was so happy! We weren't strong enough to get him proppep up in his chair at the end, he was so weak. But this nurse was really strong and made dad so happy. I can't get over the blessing she was to us.

Anyway, please don't consider your experience with hospice as normal - it was not!

Totally ruined it and me.

I am so sad, so very sad!

He deserved so much more other than a Made in China flag and a quilt made by a volunteer that said to him, "I realize this doesn't mean anything to you".

He was an immigrant from Ireland and was a far better citizen than most Americans I know!

depend on where you are and what hospice group you choose. Both my in-laws had hospice care, one at home and the other at a hospice facility. They were helpful and kind. My father had hospice care in a nursing home and they were supportive as well.

They were waiting for a bed to free up at the "Hero Center" to finish him off.

If they hadn't found a place real soon, they were planning on depositing him in the driveway of the house and it would be up to me, an old woman with MS, to care for him and I COULD NOT DO IT and I KNEW IT!!!!!

Screw them, all of them.

Hospice was totally useless. They came to my home said we would have to take him off dialysis which would cause extreme pain and kill him in 3 days. They wouldn't help with pain relief either. He had kidney failure.

So for the next year I took care of him. I rarely got a break even while he was in the hospital. There was one time in the ICU, where he was bleeding out after a medical procedure, due to blood thinners, and there weren't enough nurses available. I had my hands over his chest trying to put pressure on the wound while the 1 nurse in the ICU went off to get more supplies. I was covered in his blood.

The medical establishment can be really money hungry. And stupidly stuck on useless protocols.

What a painful experience!

Hospice "care" we received for my poor, beloved dying mama in her last days was so abysmal that I fired the first company after four DAYS, after they were so rough bathing her that she cried and the ONE time I asked the nurse to empty the commode instead of me doing it, she walked through my house with a bag dripping shit across my entire hallway and kitchen and tossed it in the trash instead of just...y'know, flushing it down the toilet.

The second hospice couldn't figure out how to get her out of the ambulance back into our home upon her return from the emergency room due to the insurmountable barrier of THREE steps up into the front door (and despite that we'd told them there was ingress through the kitchen with ONE step or through my bedroom with NO steps). They left us sitting beside her on the gurney in my driveway for an hour, confused and shivering and comatose, until I called a supervisor and screamed bloody murder.

After that, they reneged on their commitments and the "nurse" they sent was so rude that, when I said I wasn't comfortable trying to suction out her lungs by myself (because I have literally zero medical training besides being a mom and bandaging skinned knees), she insisted my mom would have to go into a home. That was the ONE promise I made her, that she'd never have to go into a facility and would die in her own bedroom. The nurse stressed me out so badly that I fainted and they had to call paramedics to make sure *I* was OK!

My BFF had dropped everything and rushed to our side to help, and ended up yelling at the people on the phone at hospice that they needed to get over here and honor the promises they'd made to our family. After my mom passed, they had the NERVE to ask to come to her memorial and request a five-star Yelp review!!! (Spoiler alert: uh, NO, GFY!)

EuterpeThelo, that was fucking rough!

I feel so bad for you!

Welcome to the Democratic Underground btw!

Take care of yourself as no one else will!

dementia situation.

for my mother and mother in law. Two separate states and needs, but they were vital at the end of their lives. I will be forever grateful for the support from them.

My father at this time of life seemed to me, to be well cared for (WA. State). My Mother in AZ, no so much. Sister in TX not so much. There is insurance for this type care but it is expensive.

The poor and under-insured suffer while...

IMO

How silly of me to think the tens of thousands of dollars I've spent paying for health insurance, and out of pocket payments, and paying into Medicare with every single paycheck I've earned for 54 years might provide me with care when I'm old and infirm.

Bwahahhaaahhaaa........how silly of me.

American Exceptionalism. Woo boy, we're the best in the whole wide world. Honest.

If I get into that health situation that is what I will do.

MAID is not an option in my state. In fact, the prohibition against it was just enshrined in the state constitution.

Responded to the wrong post.

Heard of it. What is it.

The ones that do require residency (evidenced by utility bills/etc) and terminal with less than 6 months to live

in 10 states and DC. In some of those states lawmakers are trying to overturn the law (although none are directly under threat at this time). My father has Parkinson's and has made remarks about suicide when things get too bad. Neither he, myself, nor my siblings live in states where MAID is allowed - and they wouldn't consider it for Parkinson's as it is not considered terminal.

I hope you are still in a state that allows it when it comes to that time for you. If you are, count yourself lucky.

just ask'em.

The USA has no idea how valuable hospice care is.

Just few months ago, Tommy and I went through this. He entered Hospice care in our home on Dec 22, 2024 and he passed away Jan 1st, 2025. Hospice at home is what we chose. After a year and a half of battling cancer that had not yet been found until Nov 2024, his health deteriorated quickly. Having had the worst of worst strokes in Jan 2019 and nearly fully recovered, the cancer brought back his stroke impairments rather quickly towards the end.

I can't speak for anyone here but me. Everyone here is going to have an opinion. All I can do is tell you about my experience with Hospice, Hospitals, Doctors, PAs, Nurses and Nursing Assistants. What I will tell you is that the majority of healthcare workers in all areas should not be in the industry. The dedicated and genuinely caring health care workers are severely overworked and carry a heavy burden.

Hospice was 100% covered by Medicare for Tommy. We were fortunate.

Tommy wished to pass at home. We agreed on it. We both knew what hospitals and "institutions" for are like. There was no way in hell I would allow anyone to ignore, mistreat or just make life decisions that benefited them and not him. Hospice came to our home for an hour a day and prescribed pain meds. That's it, that's all they did! They said someone would come help bath him but no one ever did. They said a doctor would come by, he never showed. When I needed to call them, their office line was always difficult to deal with because it seemed every time was a different person who had to prove Tommy was actually their patient. I did not sleep for days before he died. He needed pain meds every 2 hours. Every 15 to 20 minutes I gave him water through a medical dropper and put moisturizer on his lips because I promised him, he would not die of thirst.

My Tommy died in my arm, in our home, in the early hours of New Years Day. I held him for the longest time after he passed. I cried and talked to him and when I finally laid him back down, I undressed him, bathed him his last bath, changed the bed linens and blankets, then redressed him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life and the most loving thing I've ever done in my entire life. No one was going to take that sacred moment away from either of us. NO ONE WAS GOING TO HAVE THAT LOVING PRIVILEGE BUT ME! My Tommy deserved the best and that was going to come from me come hell or high water. He deserved no less.

Hospice works for some and not for others. I guess having been through all the medical situations we did over the last few years gave us true inside look into healthcare that most people know absolutely nothing about. They can only guess.

In the end, all I can say is you have to include your loved one in the decision making. Only you and your loved one truly knows what's best for you both. Just know that my heart breaks for you both when that moment comes, truly! I know the real pain you will feel and it's unavoidable. Know you are in my thoughts!

May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy!
Reis, Tommy's Loving Husband

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. But I understand totally how you feel in the experience with hospice (my reply on another post will explain and I don't want to bog your post down repeating it here).

We are living this right now with my father.

He is 82 and in renal distress (severely reduced function) and cardiac failure (CHF). To top it off, he has advancing dementia and trouble undertsanding and answering questions. He is hospitalized right now for an acute fluid retention issue that we are hoping to treat without it advancing to pnuemonia.

The last 5 years have been an absolute horror show for my dad. He has lost his wife (my mother, to COVID-19 in Nov. 2020), then his independence (following a stroke in April 2021 and bladder cancer - survived and treated successfully in fall of 2021), then his home (in July 2022 when he never recovered sufficiently to live indpendently), then his mind started going (been going on for a long time now, but started accelerating in 2024 and is advancing relentlessly now). His journey is nearly the end - the clearing at the end of the path for those who know. He has earned his rest and I have always loved and honored him as my father and as a stellar example of what being a "man" meant for him and his family and me.

This long goodbye is hard, but we are among the very, very lucky in that he was successful enough to save money sufficient to have private care and a staff of caring people in a care facility to help us and dad through the process. It is a god send to us and something I will be eternally grateful for because as hard as this is...saying goodbye and going through the emotional roller coaster daily...it would be so very much harder without the help he has available. Everyone should be able to gain dignity in their waning days and the fact that we as a society don't take concrete steps to make it happen for the least of us is earned damnation.

My heart breaks every time dad says "I can't believe this is where I ended up" or "I don't understand how this happened to me", but I can take solace in the fact that he does not have additional burdens added to the already monumental ones he faces, and I remain thankful for the small mercies afforded to us.

This is so hard, I know. I pray your father passes as gently as my MIL.

Love and light

Rose

the nurse was tactlesss and impatient. it was the worse. I hope my complaining got her fired.

I hope I never have to deal with these people again!

Sorry for you loss Native!

When we visited he was awake, usually alert, and the staff would fix his favorite milkshake for him. We'd sit in the lounge, if he was well enough to move, or in his room, with him. Both spaces were lovely, with sunlight, green plants, fresh flowers, comfortable chairs, etc.

He felt relaxed, even when the pain escalated, because my Granmere and the rest of us could leave the room for a few minutes while the staff would assist him with bodily functions, extra pain relief, etc. He told Granmere that he was so glad she could just be with him, and be 'hostess' for the rest of the family. There was a regular parade of visitors (he came from a large family and he and Granmere had lots of friends) and if he was 'too tired' the staff would help them figure out when to come back and find him a little perkier. I think he got to see and say farewell to almost everyone he cared about that way.

The last week or so he couldn't get out of bed at all, and couldn't talk much. But he actually smiled a lot, whenever he opened his eyes and someone he loved was there. The staff would bring him the milkshakes he loved, holding them so he could suck a few sips through a straw.

It was a terribly sad time to be losing him but I cannot imagine a better environment to take his farewell from. I still donate to that hospice and will always be grateful to them.

Civilized countries make hospice a universal benefit.

wistfully,
Bright

She was transferred there because the local hospital could not control her pain. Basically her body was shutting down.

Her children all agreed to this. Her pain was intense - we could not touch her.

We arrived at the hospice hospital and they immediately had my MIL open her mouth. They swapped something under her tongue and we watched her relax. She was able to talk to her children and joke with her grandchildren.

The care she received was outstanding. Her five children stayed with her. We even had respite rooms where we could sleep. Coffee was always available as were snacks.

She was there three days and gently passed with no pain. It was an amazing experience. Her children were kept informed of where she was in the dying process.

She died with dignity and grace surrounded by her five children, nine grandchildren, and five great grandchildren.

Not everybody is so lucky. And some areas have waiting lists and a patient like Tom doesn't get in at all. They pass before there is room for them at a facility. I hope I don't have to go through what Tom is going through. I just hope to die painlessly in my sleep.

I so agree with you.

My late cat Silver died in his sleep. I came home and there he was laying next to the furnace with a great big smile on his silver face.

He was gone. Dead.

I buried him in the backyard the next day and I can see his grave from the bedroom window.

That is the way to go, dying in your sleep!

it also has to be knowledgeable about, and for all know administer, state benefits to veterans. When I left the Marine Corps and moved to Colorado, I of course checked in with the VA. Colorado was them what we today would call a red state (the colors have changed since then) and since I had no service connected disability, and had not stayed in longe enought o retire, there was pretty much nothing I was entitled to. My DD214 says honorable under honorable conditions, by the way. And Colorado is pretty blue today, so things may have changed. But I was grateful to have learned up front what I didn't have,so I could make other choices as I aged. That was close to 50 years ago, and I am now close to 80, and have some age-related disabillities and conditions, but I also have Medicare, at least for now.

One can't assume that Veterans' care is the best, particularly when what we call veterans' care is actually mostly Retirees care. All military retirees are veterans, but not all veterans are retirees. The people and agencies who know this need to do a better job of making it clear.

End of life care was so easy to navigate for my Father in Law.

My dad? A nightmare. Thank God for the VA so he could do in home hospice care. But it took a lot to get there.

My wife passed away from a horrifically aggressive cancer that probably started in her right kidney but had spread throughout her body before she felt anything other than lower back pain. We were both retired Navy and received, excellent assistance from the VA, the help that the VA provided allowed my wife to stay at home, where I could care for her myself to the best of my ability. We both knew that her prognosis was grim but we lived as best we could. I cannot imagine not spending the last eight months of her life by her side. On a Thursday morning she began having trouble breathing, after her doctor's explained that the cancer spread was not responding to treatment she made the decision for Hospice care, she was checked into the Hospice facility on that Sunday, she passed on Wednesday. I honestly can not remember interacting much with the Hospice staff, but the last days of my wife's life were without pain, and I was able to be by her side until the end. Additionally I was referred to a grief counseling group which actually did me good, I consider myself an emotionally healthy and positive person, so have never felt any need to seek counseling of any sort......but in that grief group I was able to open up and say things out loud I could not have expressed in any other setting... I feel badly for anyone that had a bad experience with Hospice or the VA truly I am sorry but for me both entities made the loss I felt more bearable and quickened my healing process.

Later Days

Everyday I get closer and closer to it. 🫢🫢 To quote Steve Jobs ...death is very likely the single invention of life ...

And those like you. I’m taking care of my spouse at home but I know about these and he and I have discussed. When the time comes. God bless all of you who do that hard work.

Then when he passed she said if I need to talk to someone here's a number to call. I did everything myself. I am glad that I could do that for him. It's not easy at all.

Some of the stories I am reading here are horrendous, and my heart goes out to those who had to live through that. I had a completely different experience with hospice when my sister died about 15 months ago.

One big difference is that she was already in a nursing home. When I was told she was in complete kidney failure and not a suitable candidate for either a kidney transplant or dialysis, they recommended hospice care. She remained in the nursing home but hospice took over providing palliative care until she passed. We made it down there to visit a few days before she died, and found her unresponsive but looking clean and well cared for and medicated to the point where she was not in any pain. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully.

All the hospice staff members I talked to either in person or on the phone seemed to be caring and respectful, and I couldn't have been more pleased with how they handled things. It's horrifying to know so many of you were treated so badly, when my experience was so positive.